The waters that I was swimming through were riptide filled, murderous currents that wanted only to drag me down to their depths,letting nothing but its inhabitants damage what was left of me. The sirens call of the calm that lay at the bottom of the murky, blackness drove me to attempt to go towards it, leaving everything behind. Important achievements became unknown and lost to the sirens call, the smiles and things that made me who I was were not in sight. Reaching back, trying to associate with who I was, only led to becoming further lost as the waters were forcing their will down with such a mighty force. Seaweed attaching to my legs helping the waters pull me further down so that breathing became painful.Leaving the water mentally hiding in corners and crying, not knowing where to go, what to do, what to say. saying the things that I assumed where expected and hiding further as the water filled my airways and the seaweed wrapped it self slowly up my legs.
surrounded by people who cared for me while being in that stormy water which wanted nothing but to swallow me whole, was the hardest part. While they grew and become better more rounded parts of themselves I wallowed with a smile on my face and laughs to go for days. We experienced moments that made the water let go if only a little. But that murky depth would not be set aside, as often happened after the moment the water and its seaweed accomplice would come back stronger.
Stronger they became until all that was left was me and them, then a scarier thing came. Something which I was searching for, for what seemed lie eons, the answer, the reason for that feeling, the reason why it was happening and sadly would continue to happen. As the knowledge sunk in and permeated the depths I had already been pushed and pulled a sense of relief spread through me but was not strong enough to push away all the dread self sabotaging that had already become who I was. The answer on helped to smooth my feelings few and far between the times when I made no effort to seek the help needed.
Those murderous, riptide filled currents I swing through, now knowing why and ways to help calm them, I swim them alone keeping those I care safe from me. Keeping those I care for as the goal to get to a better healthier place, a place filled with smiles and smooth waters along the murky is what pushes and motivates me; Even if ninety percent of the time i am just struggling to push past the storm.